Slytherin - House of Pain
by Hide In Darkness
Summary: [Abandoned] A Slytherin student dies of abuse. How will this change things at Hogwarts? (full summary inside) – Warning: child abuse, torture, self-harm and much more, don't read if you can't handle this!
1. Prologue

Summary:

When a Slytherin student dies because of abuse, everyone in Hogwarts is shocked. Many wonder how this could have happened at all and why no one saw the signs. How will this change things at Hogwarts? Does the Dark Lord really approve of it? And what has a certain teacher to say about this?

Rating: T

Warning:

 **mentions of child abuse, torture, death, suicide, self-harm and so on**

slightly AU, slightly Dumbledore bashing, spoilers for Deathly Hallows

Author's Note:

Set somewhere in fifth year, but without Umbridge (I said AU), and no mention of Harry because he's not important for this story.

Though the summary also mentions the students, this fanfiction will mainly focus on Severus.

Sorry for that name of my OC, couldn't think of a better one. But I needed a known Death Eater name.

 **THIS STORY IS ABANDONED!** You won't read a full story here. When I started writing it went quite well, but I soon got lost and I didn't know where to go. Now it's more than 1 ½ years since I stopped writing and I thought, just publish it. Reviews are welcome, of course, I just want to hear your opinion.

And sorry for the title, quick shower thought...

Disclaimer:

Everything, that in some way sounds like JK Rowling (Characters, plot, dialogues etc.) belongs to her.

* * *

 **Slytherin - House of Pain**

 **Prologue**

It was the first day of term after Easter break and it promised to be a nice and warm day. The sun was just beginning to rise and there were no clouds in sight.

Despite the early hour, each and everyone of the Hogwarts staff was in the Headmaster's office, waiting for him to tell them why he had called.

Dumbledore sat behind his table, staring at an open letter on his desk, reading the words over and over again.

Finally the old man got up with a deep and sad sigh. His eyes were blank, only sorrow could be found in them.

"A student has been killed", he said without further delay.

He hadn't expected much noise among his staff, not after this kind of news. But he hadn't expected complete silence either.

They looked at him in shock. None had been prepared for that. None had thought of a _student_ being killed so shortly after Voldemorts return. Then their expressions turned into questioning looks.

"Who? And what happened?", Minerva asked what all of them wanted to know.

"It's Amilia MacNair, a Slytherin girl in third year. Her body was found some days ago under a bridge. It seems like she has been submitted to the Cruciatus Curse for years and finally got killed by that."

Now the murmuring started. Everyone knew what that meant. And everyone had the same question: Why did no one see?

All but one. The youngest of the staff, and head of the girls house, said no single word. He only glared, almost hateful, at the headmaster. Their eyes locked for a few seconds. Then the young man stormed out of the room, followed by the eyes of his colleagues.


	2. Chapter 1

Disclaimer:

Everything, that in some way sounds like JK Rowling (Characters, plot, dialogues etc.) belongs to her.

* * *

 **Slytherin - House of Pain**

 **Chapter 1**

Severus almost ran to his quarters and slammed the door behind him. Then he sat down and rested his head against his shaking hands.

He was furious. With Amilias parents, for torturing their child. With the Dark Lord, for justifying this. With himself, for being helpless, once again.

And with Dumbledore, probably most of all. He had warned him, told him what was happening to many Slytherins at home. Yet the old man did nothing. He gave one or two of his snakes a short glance, yes. But he didn't watch them as closely as he should have.

Of course Severus had seen the signs. He had seen how the girl was nervously looking around, checking the shadows in the corners. How she had flinched when someone was walking by too close. How she had stiffened when she did something wrong. He had seen her trembling hands. And that she had tried to hide all these signs.

What she didn't know was that she wouldn't fool him. Not him. After all he had done these things as well, when he was a child.

Nevertheless he did nothing. But what should he have done? He couldn't offer her his help, her parents would notice, she wasn't very good at occlumency. Soon after, the Dark Lord would know, and he would be discovered. His position as a spy was considered more important than the life of an innocent child.

Dumbledore was no option either, he had proven himself ignorant of this matter long ago. He didn't care about Slytherins, only when it already was too late. Severus himself knew that better than most others.

And his colleagues wouldn't believe him. The only thing they knew about his past was the fact that he used to be a Death Eater, and these kind of people were not supposed to care about abuse. They wouldn't take his warnings seriously. Besides, they cared about the Slytherins as much as the headmaster did. Not at all.

No, he had to stand by and watch while his snakes went the same way as he did. It hurt him to see them suffer and being forced to chose a way most of them would regret later.

An uncertain knock interrupted his thoughts. He knew exactly who that was, so he made no effort to hide his anger.

"Enter!" Dumbledore stepped in, shut the door behind him and sat down opposite his young teacher.

"What do you want?", Severus hissed with venom in his voice. The headmaster seemed slightly taken aback by this obviously aggressive reaction. But the blink of an eye later he had caught himself again.

"I want to excuse myself for my behavior", he said. "I should have listened to you. If I acted differently, maybe Amilia wouldn't be dead now."

"But she is. Your words and apologies can't bring her back to life. Nor can they make everything undone."

"I'm perfectly well aware of this. But there are others who can still be saved. I promise you I will do anything in my power to end their pain."

"How am I to believe you?", Severus responded. "What gives me prove you will hold your word this time? When I told you first you promised to keep an eye on them, yet you did nothing. Why should it be different now?"

"It seems I needed something drastic happening to wake up. As well as the rest of the staff, I dare say. I'm sorry someone had to die first for us, an especially me, to change."

Severus raised an eyebrow. So his fate hadn't been enough. And it wasn't by far that he was the only one who joined the Dark Lord because someone failed to notice the abuse. Or worse, saw it and looked away. As Dumbledore had done, as he was forced to do.

"You still don't believe me." It was more of a statement than a question.

"Do you blame me?"

"How could I?" The old man sounded sad. He had failed his potions master more than once. One time he even asked directly for help, yet Dumbledore had made the wrong decisions. Not that anyone could have known then.

Still, it hurt to remember that. Not only had he forced the young man to put himself in mortal danger since then and given him nothing than heartache in return. He had also left an innocent child of one year without parents.

"How could you", muttered Severus in return. After that they felt silent and lost themselves in thoughts.

"Do you know her parents?", Dumbledore asked after a while.

"Yes." He received a questioning look. "They are low Death Eaters, both. They would sacrifice everything to rise in the Dark Lords esteem. Obviously they wanted to present him a strong new follower as soon as their daughter came out of school."

Silence, again. Both knew what it meant. Severus didn't have to say for Dumbledore to know that this was the main reason why children of a Death Eater family were so much more likely to be abused at home than others in the wizarding world. Their parents expected discipline and respect towards the Dark Lord of them. They wanted them to show strength, to show how worthy they and their family was.

"You know who is abused at home, am I right?", Dumbledore broke the silence once more.

"I have suspicions and I'm quite sure about some of them", Severus agreed.

"Would you please tell me and the staff who they are? We all have to keep an eye on them. Otherwise we might oversee important signs."

"Maybe you will listen to me now and act as you should have done all the time. But my colleagues will not, most likely. They don't even trust in my loyalty. Why should they follow my word then? And even if they do, they will ask questions. Questions I don't want to be asked, nor have to answer them."

"Could you write a list? This way no one can say for sure where the names come from", Dumbledore suggested in return. He could imagine how painful it had to be for Severus to explain why he didn't act as he obviously knew.

"You will have it by noon", the potions master agreed. _And don't you dare fail me again_ , he added through a dark glance.

With that their conversation was at an end. The headmaster rose from his seat and sent a small smile at the younger man, which was answered with a short nod. Then he left the cold office.


	3. Chapter 2

Disclaimer:

Everything, that in some way sounds like JK Rowling (Characters, plot, dialogues etc.) belongs to her.

* * *

 **Slytherin - House of Pain**

 **Chapter 2**

Slowly the castle was beginning to wake. Students were walking down to the Great Hall for breakfast, some still half asleep. The mood was high, friends had a lot to talk about after two weeks of holidays.

Only a few Slytherins were wondering where one of their fellows was. Soon a question spread along the Slytherin table: Where was Amilia MacNair and what had happened to her?

When Dumbledore rose from his seat, the Great Hall fell silent immediately. The headmaster looked around his students. Finally his glance rested on the Slytherin table, the twinkle in his eyes gone.

"Sad news arrived this morning", he said with sorrow in his voice. "Your fellow student Amilia MacNair has passed away during the holidays."

Questioning looks were exchanged between the teenagers. Talking started all along the tables. Dumbledore silenced them by raising his hand.

"As the circumstances of her death affect us all it is my opinion that you should know what happened to her.

"It was found that she had been a victim of abuse. The investigation gave evidence that she had been submitted to the Cruciatus Curse for at least three years, though it is likely to have lasted longer. As it seems this had caused her death in the end.

"Because of this I beg you to remember: Help will always be given at Hogwarts to those who ask for it. If you have any trouble, please tell the teachers or me so we can do something about it."

The headmaster sat down and watched over the students again. Many of them were shocked by what they just heard, others were looking at their plates, some had tears in their eyes. Even a few Gryffindors, he saw astonished.

No one talked. Especially the Slytherins had fallen unusually quiet. Many of them had known Amilia as a shy, but rather talented girl. Her parents were pure-bloods and supported the Dark Lord. Therefor she was tolerated by the higher class of Death Eater children and respected by the lower ones. Those who were abused had recognized her as an equal, though she never lost a word about this aspect of her home life. None of them did. They were taught that it was a weakness to complained about their so-called education. And talking meant complaining.

At the staff table Dumbledore watched his potions master. He wondered if he had gained at least a little bit of trust toward him. When the young man returned his look, he instantly knew he hadn't.

"You can't expect them to believe you. Not after you've been ignorant all this time", Severus told him quietly. Clearly he didn't want his colleagues to hear him. "They won't talk to anyone about this."

"What do you think I can do to make them tell me?" He didn't have to deal with abused children often. And all of them had asked for help themselves. Severus, on the other hand, had more experience in this matter. He was a victim himself.

"Ask them directly. All of them. Even the ones who are not abused. Otherwise they will suspect we knew all along", he replied.

"And this will work? Don't you think they would deny it?" He slowly shook his head, but it was obvious he hold something down. So Dumbledore kept looking at him.

"Lily forced me to tell her this way", he finally added, his voice nothing more than a whisper.

"She knew?"

"Of course she did!" Severus gave him an angry look. "But I made her promise not to tell anyone."

"You shouldn't have done that. She..." He was cut off by another angry expression in his potions master's eyes.

"This is not yours to judge", he snarled at the headmaster. "You didn't know my father. You don't know how violent he could be when he was drunk. I do, however. I have scars on my back if you forgot that. I tried to protect her with my decision. To keep her away from any harm. I never meant her to know about this in the first place."

Dumbledore fell silent after this speech of his teacher. He always had to remind himself that behind the hateful mask lay a very sensitive man. A man who had been hurt too often, by too many people, to trust anyone. He didn't even dare to show his emotions.

He caught a questioning look from Minerva. Today she sat on one end of the table, needed some quiet after this shocking news, she had said. Yet she must have sensed where was something going on between the old man and her colleague.

The headmaster quickly gave her a small smile, saying everything was alright. Then he turned his attention back to Severus. He was watching the students, his eyes darting back to the Slytherin table every other second. After a while he leaned back in his seat.

"Excuse me, I still have to prepare some things for today", he said abruptly. Not waiting for a dismissal he stood up and left the Great Hall through a back door.

* * *

Severus quickly got to his quarters. In fact he didn't have to prepare anything, except the list for his colleagues. He only slept a few hours, if at all. He had plenty of time at night to plan his lessons. Usually he had them done for a whole week, just in case his former master called him and it would end in a long night of meetings. A bit of torture in the first, a lot of mistrust in the second.

No, he just wasn't in the mood to talk to Dumbledore right now. The old man would only end up with pitying him or asking him nasty questions about his own home life in childhood. The task of having to keep an even closer look at the abused children in his house would be enough to make his already bad nightmares worse.

He sat down, reached for a fresh piece of parchment which wasn't already cramped with notes and began to write down the names the headmaster had asked for. He didn't have to think long, he kept watching them for a while now and knew perfectly well who he had to list. The ones of whom he almost had evidence landed on top.

A few minutes later Severus had written down more than thirty names. He had never counted them before, he only knew that it were far too many.

After reading it over one more time he sent the parchment to Dumbledore's office and a copy to the staff room. On the version for his colleagues he changed the handwriting, just to be sure no one was suspecting him behind it.

Then he sat off for the first class of the day. Slytherin and Gryffindor, at least he would see no emotions there. His snakes would guard their feelings, especially in presence of the lions. And these would be too busy with shooting daggers and insults at them. Hopefully.

* * *

"In order of the resent events, the headmaster decided that all of you will be questioned about their home life during this week", Severus announced this evening in the Slytherin common room. "It is your decision if you want to tell the truth or not." His snakes were looking up at him.

Some bore angry expressions, mostly the pure-bloods. They saw it as a kind of an insult to be questioned like mere muggles.

Others were clearly wondering what they should think of this. Or rather, if they should tell the truth. Many of these were among those he suspected of being abused.

A few just nodded. Most there were not affected by this action. But one was the very first on his list. Severus was slightly astonished that especially this student was welcoming his announcement.

"The questioning will start tomorrow. Though you will be taken from class this won't excuse missing homework!" Normally he didn't have to say that to his snakes. They were ambitious and keen to prove themselves, not some Gryffindors who always complained about everything.

He cast a last look over them. Then he turned around, left the common room and headed for his quarters.


	4. Chapter 3

Warning:

 **self-harm and graphic violence (slight but yes) in this chapter**

Note:

Everything written in _italics_ are flashbacks or memories.

Disclaimer:

Everything, that in some way sounds like JK Rowling (Characters, plot, dialogues etc.) belongs to her.

* * *

 **Slytherin - House of Pain**

 **Chapter 3**

By the time the name list had appeared in the staff room, no one had known what it meant or who sent it there. Soon at least the first was cleared.

Over the week, these students were watched closely. Many teachers were surprised at what they saw. They wondered how they could have missed the signs before if they were so obvious. Now that they paid attention.

The questioning gave unexpected results as well. Only one student out of all had admitted immediately that he was being tortured at home. He had told the headmaster that his parents punished him with the Cruciatus Curse whenever he behaved in a way they didn't approve of. Dumbledore brought him down to the hospital wing after he had promised the boy to keep him away from his parents.

He had been the first of the listed students to be asked, as he was named on top. His positive respond had given the staff hope that it would go on like this. However, no one else gave in so easily. Luckily, many had shown signs. If in class or during the conversation with Dumbledore didn't matter. Sooner or later all of the ones on the list stopped denying.

Another surprising fact was that none broke down in tears. But how could they have expected this? These children were taught to be strong. They were punished for every weakness they showed. No one could expect them to start crying, especially not in front of adults.

* * *

Severus stood at the entrance to the infirmary. As head of the Slytherins he had to be present, although he wondered why. Poppy cared for her new patients well, she hadn't asked him for help at all. So he waited for her to dismiss him.

After a while the medi-witch was done with her work for now. She walked over to her colleague. They stood in silence for a moment, looking over the students. More than thirty beds were filled, curtains closed around them to give the children a bit of privacy.

All of them had been given a full check-up, revealing every injury that shouldn't be there and needed medical care. After that the students had received a sleeping draft combined with a potion to heal the after effects of the Cruciatus Curse for most of them. Only a few had been hurt in other ways.

"May I speak to you in private?", Poppy finally asked him in a low voice. He nodded and followed her into the office.

"I want to check you up as well", she said once the door was closed.

"Why?"

"Surely you have been submitted to the Cruciatus Curse as well, am I right?" That was true, but it was not what she really meant.

"That is none of your business! I can deal with this perfectly well on my own", he snapped at her. Both knew what they were actually talking about. Not the resent events but rather what could be seen on his back. If he ever showed someone. He still didn't want her to ran a diagnostic spell over him. If she did, she would find out about the fresh cuts on his right arm.

"Severus, I know you are hurt. Please, let me help you."

"These children out there need your help more than I do. I'm old enough to protect myself." Maybe he shouldn't have said the last sentence. There had been an unspoken _'now'_ in it. Of course she noticed it but chose not to react.

"If you ever need me, you know where to find me", she said with a sigh. With that she let him know he was allowed to go now.

* * *

Back in his quarters Severus rolled up his right sleeve. Deep cuts could be seen on the skin beneath as well as scars from cuts he had done himself years ago.

The resent events had brought memories back to his mind, just as he had expected. Once again he had seen no other way than to hurt himself to stop dark thoughts torturing his mind.

 _He had started to cut himself after he had lost Lily. This also had been the first time in his life he had greeted his fathers cane when he came back from school in the summer. He knew he shouldn't have called his best and only true friend a mudblood. He knew it had been the biggest mistake he had ever done by the time he had said it. When it already was too late._

 _Severus knew he deserved punishment for that. He deserved the lashes his father gave him and the pain resulting from the wounds on his back even weeks later. He had barely left the house these holidays, willingly exposing himself to his father's wrath._

Tears were beginning to fill the potions master's eyes. It hurt to remember these things. The thoughts about Lily even more than the memories of the many beatings his father had given him. After all it was his fault she was dead now.

But he couldn't allow this thoughts to control his mind. Not now. It was only noon and he had still lessons to hold. After that the headmaster expected him in his office. And he had this vague feeling the Dark Lord would be calling tonight.

No, he mustn't show this weakness now. Severus reached for the knife on the desk. Slowly he pulled it over his skin. A deep cut appeared next to the other wounds. He watched as blood began to cover his arm. Yet the pain wasn't enough to numb his grieve. Another cut followed, then a third and forth.

Finally he put the knife aside, pulled down the sleeve and left for his next class.

* * *

 **Wow, this chapter is longer than I expected it to be. First I didn't even know what to write.**

 **Well, in canon Severus is right-handed. But I always think of him as being left-handed. Seems more fitting to me.**

 **And no, I've never cut myself. This is just what I imagine why some do it.**


	5. Chapter 4

Warning:

 **mentions of (attempted) suicide, torture**

Disclaimer:

Everything, that in some way sounds like JK Rowling (Characters, plot, dialogues etc.) belongs to her.

* * *

 **Slytherin - House of Pain**

 **Chapter 4**

"How do you feel?"

Severus was sitting at the table in the headmaster's office, Dumbledore across him. The old man was trying to study him, again. And obviously he had failed, again.

"How do you expect me to feel?", he replied cold. "They get the help they need, I didn't. You can't expect me to be happy."

Dumbledore sighed. Of course it was a risk to include him in this matter. But he had no choice. If he wanted to help these children, he needed the potions master. He was the one with the most experience, the only one among his staff who could tell by a single glance who was abused and who wasn't.

"I know. Yet I have to ask you something." Severus raised an eyebrow. "You know what they have been going through. Do you think you could help them to fight their inner demons?"

"What about my position as a spy which is so important to you?" A bit of venom sounded through his voice. After all this had been the reason why his hands had been bounded for so long.

"You are their head of house. I could have ordered you to do this." After that there was silence. They looked each other in the eye.

"I have memories of my own to deal with, dark memories. How do you imagine I can help others if I'm still not done with my demons?"

The headmaster had feared he would say that. Not that he was helpless without him, not in this point. It would only make things a lot easier if the Slytherins had someone to talk to whom they trusted.

What saddened him was the meaning behind it. The young man had just admitted that he was still haunted by his past. And therefor he was in danger of trying to kill himself, as he had already done twice in his life. Dumbledore knew that it was even more likely now that he was reminded of his experiences once more.

"I thought you would say that", he told him after a while. "But do you think you could answer some questions if I need advice from you?"

Severus nodded absentmindedly. He looked away, lost in thoughts. He denied Dumbledore any more eye contact. The old man knew about his suicidal thoughts, he had pulled him back to life the second time he had opened his veins. He wouldn't refer to it as saving, after all he had tried to end his miserable life.

What he didn't know was that he was cutting himself again. And he wouldn't tell him for sure. Neither directly nor through anything the headmaster might see in his eyes. This was his own concern, nothing to burden others with. No one would understand anyway.

"Thank you. I'm really grateful for your help", Dumbledore finally broke the silence. With this the conversation was at an end. Quickly Severus got up and left the circular office. He headed down to the dungeons, seeking some loneliness.

* * *

His feeling had been right. Why did it always have to be? A well-known burning sensation spread along his left forearm. The Dark Lord was calling indeed. And certainly not to invite him for dinner.

With a sigh Severus rose from behind his desk. He didn't like correcting homework, especially not from first years. But he'd rather stay here than going to spy on his former master.

He took his Death Eater robes and put them on with a disgusted expression. He only wore them to this meetings because the Dark Lord regarded it as disobedience, as an insult, if he didn't. His mask, however, was another matter. He was widely known among the other Death Eaters, so he saw no reason to hide his face. Others might need it to hide their emotions, he didn't.

He scribbled down a note for Dumbledore, then he left the school grounds as fast as he could. Right behind the border he disapparated.

* * *

As soon as he appeared in front of the Dark Lord he fell to his knees and bowed his head, not keen on being tortured for disrespectful behaviour.

"My Lord", he said calmly. After years of teaching annoying first years he was trained in keeping the hate out of his voice.

Of course his presence was known to the Dark Lord, yet he didn't give him a response. He rather showed his servant where he belonged: kneeling on the ground at the feet of his master. So Severus waited, unmoving, his body used to this position for a long time now.

A few minutes later everyone had arrived. At least it seemed so, as the Dark Lord started to speak.

"It seems that some of you don't know their limit. Or worse, willingly crossed it." Tension lay in the air. This words could not be a good sign.

"I may not have been clear enough about my wishes concerning your children. I want you to prepare them for their life in my service. But if you kill them by doing so, where does my advantage lie then?"

He made a pause, letting his words sink in. Everyone could suspect what would be following his speech, at least for a certain pair of Death Eaters. Yet Severus had no pity for them. They had tortured their daughter to death, they deserved no better.

"In this case it didn't end there. It didn't even lose me one new servant, but rather thirty! It seems that Dumbledore himself decided to take a closer look at your children in school. It's come to my attention that he found evidence of your actions and took measures. I heard they will be removed from your care. And therefor, they will be out of my reach."

His anger was getting clearer with every sentence he said. This was not going to end up good for the MacNairs. Maybe they would even follow their daughter into death.

"As not all of you are at fault, I will show mercy tonight. Only those responsible for this will be punished." The Dark Lord turned towards Amilia's parents. "You lost me many servants. There is no excuse for that. Crucio!"

Both of them immediately crumbled on the ground, writhing and screaming in pain. He showed no mercy to them, as Severus had hoped he wouldn't. He tortured them nearly for five minutes before he finally lifted the curse. By then they were shaking and gasping for fresh air.

There was silence, no one dared to speak first. Everyone feared to draw the anger on himself.

"You two stay", the Dark Lord finally said to the two Death Eaters on the ground. "You as well, Severus. The rest of you may go."

Hastily everyone disapparated, before their master could change his mind. Soon they were alone. Severus still hadn't moved or looked up.

"You could have stopped this. Why didn't you?", the Dark Lord hissed at him. So this was the reason why he was called as well.

"I had no choice, my lord. Dumbledore would have suspected me of being disloyal to him", he lied.

"Yet it is also your fault these children won't be serving me after school."

Severus didn't respond. He knew where this would end. He almost never got past a meeting without being tortured at least ones. Not after he had denied his former master the satisfaction of hearing him scream out in pain for so long.

Yet the Dark Lord trusted him, hold him high in his esteem. Maybe because he spied on Dumbledore for him. What he didn't do actually.

"You failed me as well as they did", he said with a gesture towards his other two followers. "And I think you did even more than they."

Severus flinched a little bit. The evening would possibly turn out even worse than he had thought until then.

"You there, get up!" The Death Eaters got to their feet, but still lowered their heads. "You two will punish him. And don't you dare stop until I command you to."

This wouldn't be good, tortured by a lower. Not that it made any difference to him who his torturer was, but his status in the ranking was important to the Order. At least no one but the Dark Lord was watching. Maybe it wouldn't change anything at all.

"Crucio!" The two curses hit him at the same time, doubling the effect. But still Severus refused to let a sound slip his lips. He just closed his eyes and endured the pain in silence, waiting for the curse to be lifted.

Finally the agony stopped. Severus was grateful for the break, though it would be short. By now he was panting heavily as he had hold his breath the last few seconds to keep himself from screaming.

"You still haven't learned to scream, have you?", the Dark Lord asked, hissing. "Well, this will go on for a while if you don't."

Again the curses hit him. Again he endured the pain without a sound. And again it stopped a few minutes later.

"Be lucky I need you at this bad excuse of a school. Otherwise I wouldn't show you mercy unless you screamed. Go now, we will continue this lesson in time."

"My lord." Severus got up, his legs barely supporting his weight, bowed to the Dark Lord and disapparated.

* * *

Severus landed back at the border to the Hogwarts grounds. His hands were shaking, the effects of the Cruciatus Curse still present in his nervous system.

The young man leaned against a tree and closed his eyes. He took in a few deep breaths, tried to calm himself.

Finally he sighed and started his walk up to the castle. The shaking had faded to a slight trembling. Still he had to do something about it. He couldn't appear in class like this the next morning. Especially not after the resent events.

But this had to wait until the morning, as well as the report for Dumbledore. First he had to get a bit of sleep. It was only shortly after midnight now, still enough time for a few hours of resting.


	6. Chapter 5

Warning:

 **depressive thoughts**

Note:

This will be a depressive chapter, as I was in a bad mood then I wrote it.

Disclaimer:

Everything, that in some way sounds like JK Rowling (characters, plot, dialogues etc.) belongs to her.

* * *

 **Slytherin - House of Pain**

 **Chapter 5**

Once again Severus found himself in the headmaster's office. It was late afternoon and the sun was shining into the circular room. But he wasn't in the mood for sunshine. He wanted some quiet, down in his dark office, where he could hide himself from the world. He just wanted to be left alone. Luckily today was Friday and after that he didn't even have to appear at meals for two days.

But for now he was caught in a room with Dumbledore, alone. The old man could ask him whatever he wanted, and Severus had no excuse to escape him or his questions. He was sure the coming conversation was going into a direction he wouldn't like.

He had told the headmaster about the events of the last evening at breakfast, spearing out the fact that he was tortured again. Yet the old man somehow seemed to sense there was something wrong.

"What is it, my boy? You look pale", Dumbledore named his thoughts.

"I'm not your boy!" Severus hated that. His father had always called him this, never by his actual name. Sometimes he wondered if he had even known it.

"Of course you are not." The response was barely more than a whisper, a sad expression in the old man's voice. "But there is something wrong with you, don't deny it. Please, tell my what is bothering you."

"There is nothing for you to worry about", the potions master immediately shot back. A bit too fast, as the other man raised an eyebrow. A sign that he didn't believe him.

Severus glared at him. He didn't want to talk about it. Not to Dumbledore, not to anyone. Most of all he didn't want someone to see his weaknesses. That he was beginning to break down again.

"Show me your right arm." the headmaster suddenly demanded.

"Why?" Of course the young man knew why he wanted to see it. He suspected fresh cuts. The only problem was that they actually were there.

"Please. Or I'll have to force you."

Severus shot him a dark look, but did as he was told. If he fought back now it would be as obvious as if he just showed him. He preferred the last option. Thus he stretched out his arm, allowing Dumbledore to do whatever he felt he needed to do.

The headmaster took the thin hand of his teacher, which was answered by a barely notable flinch. As he was used to it by now he continued with pulling up the sleeve. Soon appeared what he had feared he would find.

Deep cuts crossed over the pale arm. Some were done recently, most likely just before their meeting. Others were beginning to heal, starting to fade, leaving another scar on the already marked skin. A few wounds even seemed to be infected.

When he looked back up at the young man's face, he saw nothing but a blank mask. No sign of pain, no sign of tears in his eyes. Just blank spaces.

"Why are you doing this to yourself?", he finally managed in a weak tone.

"You wouldn't understand anyway." Severus' voice was almost aggressive. He was uncomfortable with this matter. With anything about his condition, whether physical or mental.

"Then try to explain it to me. I really want to help you." Though Dumbledore was begging him, the potions master remained cold.

"That is none of your business. And I'd prefer if you never ask me again about it. These are my problems, my memories. Do yourself a favor and keep out of that."

He pulled back his arm, rolled down his sleeve and stormed out of the office. Dumbledore, taken aback by this reaction, let him go. A tear ran down his face. Why couldn't the young man just accept his help?

* * *

When Severus was back in his quarters he locked the door, sat down on a chair and rested his head on his hands. Why didn't the old man just leave him alone? Why couldn't he accept that he didn't want to talk about his past? He wouldn't ask if he knew what was awaiting him.

Yes, he had already seen four of his memories. But these hadn't been the worst by far.

* * *

 **End of Story!**

This chapter was written on Thursday, 14th January 2016. I was in a bad mood since about noon that day and had a driving lesson that evening which went pretty bad (my worst, I dare say). When I got back to my dorm room I actually cried (which I don't do often). As I didn't have access to the internet back then, I only found out what had happened the next day...

That's where I stopped writing. I have absolutely no idea where this story is meant to go. If anyone has a good idea, feel free to contact me.


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